I’ll be gone until Wednesday for college orientation – so in the meanwhile, I thought I’d remind you all how cool I am, and let you ponder the many ways you could possibly hope to become even a smidgeon as cool as I am. You could:
- Beat up someone smaller than you.
- Steal candy from a baby.
- Jump off a seven story building and survive without a scratch on you.
- Burn down a village of nuns for sport.
- Play “Punt the Neighbor Baby.”
- Play nine musical instruments at once (not including the trombone, because it’s not a real instrument anyways).
- Nurse a dying woman back to health, just to spite her family.
- Kill a ninja with your bare hands.
- Beat the original Super Mario Brothers in under seven minutes.
- Tear out a man’s heart straight from his chest.
- Headbutt a gorilla.
- Memorize every line of Full Metal Jacket.
- Found a worship cult dedicated to how cool I am.
- Write a Xanga article about how cool I am.
Be back in a few days – feel free to add to the list as I see fit.
