Category Archives: Old blog

Posts I imported from my old Xanga blog.

Graduation

0
Filed under Old blog, Uncategorized

   Ah, High-School Graduation.  The prestigious right-of-passage that teenagers work many hard, laberous years of their lives to earn.  For the few that make it, an unspeakable honor is bestowed unto them in the form of a cardboard roll-out with their name on it.  Yes, the mood is definately light tonight as my peers politely celebrate by politely getting drunk and politely making obscene gestures and comments to the strippers at the Gentleman’s Club they’re all meeting up at.

   School was officially let out for the Seniors on Thursday, where we were told to meet up at the bowling alley at 7:00 for the Senior lock-in.  However, apparently some kids managed to get into a car accident, and a girl was sent to intensive care.  During the bowling tournament, they asked us all to take a moment of silence for the girl; Jason, presumably not hearing them, bowled anyways.  It sounded something like this:
Let us please have a moment of silence for [name], who was injured in a car crash and is now in intensive care.” … *thud* *dum-da-dum-da-dum* *CRASH*
I laughed through the whole moment-of-silence.

   When I went to bowl my first frame, I slipped (because I was wearing socks, since they ran out of bowling shoes).  I hit my head on the floor and had a concussion for the rest of the night; I also gashed my leg on the ball-return, and was bleeding the whole night.
I wasn’t planning on using that blood, anyways.

   Later that night, they held the Texas Hold-’em tournament.  I went all-in my first hand, without looking at my cards, and for most of the rest of the game, I was chip leader.  Later on, Matt went all-in with a pair-of-twos showing on the flop.  Seeing as he was obviously bluffing, I called.
How the hell was I supposed to know he had pocket-fours!?
   At about 3:00 in the morning, the lock-in ended (not much of a lock-in, eh?).  Jason drove me home, where we played Tetris Attack until 5:30 – I’ve been playing that game way too much lately.  It has gotten to the point where, when I close my eyes, I see bricks rearranging themselves to form rows in my head.  I was staring at the ceiling earlier, and the tiles started moving themselves and disappearing when three-or-more alike tiles matched up.
Damn, if there were tournaments for that game, I’m sure I would win.

   I woke up after less than an hour of sleep to bring my girlfriend her calculator (*que sound of whip cracking*).  When I walked back home (because, even now, out of High School, I don’t have my license), it took me a long while to get back to sleep.  Before I knew it, Jason was over again and it was time to go to practice-graduation.
   blah blah blah nothing interesting etc. etc. etc.
   Later, at (real) graduation, they asked for another moment of silence for the girl.  It went something like this:
Let us please have a moment of silence for [name], who was injured in a car crash and is now in intensive care.” … *Idiots in back start clapping*
I laughed through the whole moment-of-silence, again.

   I took off my shoes to receive my diploma.  I didn’t realize that my socks didn’t match until a little girl pointed it out to me, just as my name was called.  Oops.  I went up to receive my diploma, shook the principal’s hand, and told him, “I’m just as surprised as you are.”

   And now I’m a college man.

Romeo and Juliet

0
Filed under Old blog, Uncategorized

    All the freshman who just finished reading it keep talking about Romeo and Juliet.  I’m going to tell you what I tell all of them:  I’m glad Romeo died at the end.  He deserved it, that jerk.  Romeo got Mercutio killed, the one cool character in the play.  Mercutio was even a good enough friend to stand up for Romeo when Tybalt was being a bully, and what does Romeo do?  Lets him die.  Romeo waits until after Mercutio has been killed to avenge him and fight Tybalt.  Nice job, jackass; now your best friend is dead and you’ve been banished from your house.  What will Juliet think when she finds out she’s married such a loser?
    The ending, although agreeable, needs some minor modifications.  For example, after Romeo dies, instead of having Juliet kill herself, I would have Mercutio come back to life, spit on Romeo’s grave and lie with his wife.  After that, Mercutio would run around and eat babies.  Damn, that would be wicked; I should do this for a living.  Shakespeare’s just lucky I wasn’t alive during his time, or he’d be out of a job.

Don’t agree with me?  Then don’t leave a comment; you’re obviously wrong.

0
Filed under Old blog, Uncategorized

Dear Diary,
Today I lost the will to live.
In case you couldn’t tell, that’s Paris Hilton taking a big juicy bite out of a BK spicy BBQ burger.

Good bye, unusually cruel world!

0
Filed under Old blog, Uncategorized

I found out today that if a christ and an antichrist collide, their mass is converted to pure energy.

[edit] “It was said during the 1994 elections there wasn’t one candidate that could be elected to national office unless they supported the death penalty.  Which got me to thinking, if Jesus Christ were here and running for elected office, would the Christian Coalition vote for him?
-Jimmy Tingle

Update

0
Filed under Old blog, Uncategorized

Update:  Stop emailing me.  I’ll update when I feel like it, damn it.

Thank you for your time.

God Voted Republican

0
Filed under Old blog, Uncategorized

   Yesterday during church (that’s right, I go to church; so get used to it and stop emailing me), the pastor had a bunch of 8th- and 9th-grade kids file down the aisle and sit in front of the congregation.  At first, I expected them to start taking their clothes off, but apparently the church I go to isn’t Catholic.  Instead, the Pastor began asking them questions for what I believe is known as the “examination,” a trial before confirmation in which kids are called upon to answer questions about the Bible; this is the first year that they held it in public, during a church-service.  At first, the questions were dry and expected:  “Will you go to heaven if you don’t believe in Jesus,” “Which of the ten commandments tells you to love thy neighbor like thyself,” et cetera.  However, after one of the questions the pastor suddenly broke out into story:

Pastor:    “Janie loves money.  She decided she doesn’t like being poor, and from then on she spent all of her time gathering money.  She got two jobs, and worked overtime so that she would always have money to buy the things she wanted.  What is Janie’s problem?”
Answer:    “The money has become Janie’s God.

    ‘Ok,’ I thought, ‘that could have been worded a little better, but I think I can see what they’re trying to say.’

Pastor:    “Jack bought a broken down old 1967 Chevy a few years ago.  Since then, Jack has put all of his time and money into fixing it up.  He bought new tires, new rims, put in a new engine, and now spends all his money paying for gas and insurance for his car.  What is Jack’s problem?”
Answer:    “The car has become Jack’s God.

    ‘What the hell?  They’re teaching the kids that having a hobby and setting goals for yourself is bad?  Are you expected to just devote all your time, when you’re not too busy working for your survival or popping out babies, to the church?  Could they get any fiendishly lower?’

Pastor:    “One man donates a percentage of his paycheck to the church each week; one man gives a fixed amount each week; and one man doesn’t donate at all.  Who is God most pleased with?”
Answer:    “The percentage.”
Pastor:    “That’s right – God prefers a percentage of your paycheck to a fixed amount.”

    At this point I broke out into a fit of uncontrollable laughter, although I was able to keep quiet enough that only the few people around me took notice.  The examination, meanwhile, continued.

Pastor:    “Sarah, can you define marriage?”
Answer:    “Marriage is a holy union between a man and a woman.
Pastor:    “That’s right – marriage is between a man and a woman; not between two men or two women.”

Pastor:    “Can anyone give me a passage from the Bible that supports the fact that God is against abortion?”

Pastor:    “Does a man have the right to take another man’s life?”
Answer:    “No.
Pastor:    “That’s right; no one has the right to take the life of another man – except the government.  The government has an iron sword with which it rules over all people, and if that means administering the death penalty, so be it.”

    ‘HO-LY-CRAP‘ (no pun intended) – that was the most blatent propeganda I had ever heard.  I was half expecting the pastor to pull out a Cheney-Rumsfeld ’08 sign and hang it on the altar.  Seriously, people; although the religion is bad enough, it can at least be condoned – BUT LEAVE POLITICS OUT OF IT.  Most kids have enough problems without you forcing your skewed opinions down their throats.
    The worst part, though, is the fact that the pastor could preach about the evils of killing an unborn fetus, and two minutes later turn around and, while managing to hold a straight face, start talking about how the government has the right to kill a human being – and no one thought twice about it.

    The pastor went on to discuss how God gave governments the right to conduct war.

Hop-On-Pope

0
Filed under Old blog, Uncategorized

Honestly, I’m thankful for religion; without it, there would be nothing to satirize (well, other than politics).  However, sometimes they can be so hypocritical that I wonder if it’s intentional – that’s the only way I can rationalize so many people actually taking it seriously.

As I’m sure you all already know, about three weeks ago former Pope John Paul II died in his private apartment.  I was watching MSNBC at the time – their “Vatican correspondant” declared his death to be “The best thing to happen to the Catholic Church in recent years” (referring, no doubt, to the fact that the Catholic Church hasn’t had this much publicity since the Catholic priest molestation of little boys was brought to light).  Back in the Vatican, thousands of worshipers came from all over the world to pray for and worship the Pope in his final hours.

“Archbishop Leonardo Sandri asked for a few moments of silence as he announced the death to the thousands of faithful who had congregated in St. Peter’s Square. People in the crowd bowed their heads to pray, some of them in tears.

Then they burst into applause.”
(www.cnn.com)

After his death, loud chants of “Santo, Santo!” (or, for you English speakers in the audience, “Saint, Saint!”) could be heard from the crowd, implying that the people wanted John Paul to be immediately declared a saint.  However, such an action would go against tradition; in order for the Pope to be declared a saint, he must perform at least two miracles – after his death.  That’s right; he, like Jesus, must not only have the ability to create miracles, but he must also be able to do them after he has died.  If he does so, he will become only the fourth Pope in history to attain sainthood.

Before I continue, let me recap what I have already said – thousands of worshipers came to witness the Pope’s death; they demanded that he become a saint; and in order to become a saint, the Pope must somehow create two posthumous miracles.  Now, don’t get me wrong, but aren’t there a list of ten simple rules that every faithful Christian is supposed to follow?  And isn’t one of those simple rules not to pretend to have magic (or deistical) powers, and not to worship those who do so (the purported “false deities”)?  Isn’t there a, what I like to call, commandment that states, “Thou shalt not worship false deities/prophets?” (nod your head)  Then isn’t the concept of even having a Pope entirely against your religion? (nod your head) Good.  Now kiss my feet, peon.

This is hardly even fun anymore; religion practically satirizes itself.

OMGWTFBAN!!!111one

0
Filed under Old blog, Uncategorized

“I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.” -Galileo Galilei

ok so today i was all reading through other peoples xangas you now and i was like all ‘omg! i just relized it is sooo appropriate to articulate my thoughts thru fragmented sentences and incomplete ideas using improper grammer and i mean you know? i orignally thought it just made me look stupid but now i c that it totally allows me to express my thoughts the way i want to in the way i totally like, think, you know.’ and then i was all happy for myself because i finally found god!!1 i mean religeon is so total rite for me! nevermind the inherent hypocrises and completely illogical premise, religien speaks to me in a way i just cant explain! its a feeling deep inside that says, hey, this is rite, nevermind rational thought, what did science ever do for any1 anyways LOL. i mean its not like proofs can be proven or anything. maybe if science didnt just guess at everything and could actually create things with its theorys, like a box that can display images of faraway places, or some sort of mode of transportation thats faster then walking, or a way of keeping time better then my sundial, or some sort of adding machine thats faster then using an abacus, or a machine that i can use to submit my journal to the public, then maybe it would hold more validity; but it can’t, only god can create things LOL. i mean, if you see a watchmaker, he must be wearing a watch, rite. besides, god must exist, otherwise who wrote the bible? LOL im so smart, i should be on tv or something im such a unique and freethinking individual my thoughts arnt influenced by any1else at all. LOL
well i have to go now, my church group (where we talk about how were supposed to live our lifes and how were supposed to act and how were supposed to think) is about to start and i still need to find my Old Navy pullover. you now, the one that matches with my Nikes LOL. well ttyl
<3333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Tennessee

0
Filed under Old blog, Uncategorized

If any of you were considering moving to the South*, consider this:  DON’T.  The people are hard to understand; everyone’s religious; there are Confederate flags everywhere; and apparently the term “southern hospitality” is a euphemism for “get the hell out of my country.”
  
Actually, in all honesty, my extremely secluded personal experience of the South wasn’t that terrible.  However, let’s take a look at the statistics:

The South:

  • has the lowest literacy rate in the country, both functional illiteracy and total illiteracy;
  • has the lowest average ACT/SAT scores;
  • has the lowest average IQ;
  • is the most religious;
  • has the highest percentage of Republicans;
  • has the highest percentage of wife-beaters.

Coincidence?

* The South, for those of you in Canada or living in the South, consists of about a dozen or so states in the south-eastern-most part of the United States.  It’s the only place in the world, as far as my limited knowledge on the subject is aware of, that a homosexual man (in a love he cannot control) is denied marriage to another man, while a different man (in a love he can control) is allowed to marry his own first-cousin.
Welcome to America.

0
Filed under Old blog, Uncategorized

One last entry before I go away to Tennesee..although I don’t have much to say:

MIAMI (AFP) – Florida’s legislature has approved a bill that would give residents the right to open fire against anyone they perceive as a threat in public, instead of having to try to avoid a conflict as under prevailing law.

Outraged opponents say the law will encourage Floridians to open fire first and ask questions later, fostering a sort of statewide Wild West shootout mentality. Supporters argue that criminals will think twice if they believe they are likely to be promptly shot when they assault someone.

Republican Governor Jeb Bush, who has said he plans to sign the bill, says it is “a good, commonsense, anti-crime issue.”

The bill, supported by the influential National Rifle Association, was approved by both houses of the Republican-run legislature on Tuesday

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/afp/20050406/ts_alt_afp/uscrimeguns_050406201103

I think this one pretty well goes without being said.