If you’re not careful, you’ll catch it too
The other day, I caught the flu. For those of you unsure, here’s a list of its symptoms:
- flu-like symptoms
I told this to my girlfriend, who googled these symptoms and became immediately convinced that I had the West Nile Virus. Meanwhile, my parents, certain that it’s only possible to catch a flu during the Winter, did some research of their own and concluded that I had “prostatitis,” despite the fact that I only had one of the diseases’ five symptoms (and I quote: “flu-like symptoms”).
At first I thought my family had just lost their minds, but as I was preparing to have them institutionalized, I happened to accidentally change the channel to a local news station. Within fifteen minutes, they had me convinced that I was going to die of SARS, West Nile, Ebola, Bird Flu, Mad Cow Disease, Smallpox, Anthrax, and E. Coli, after being stung by a swarm of African killer bees, stabbed through the heart by a stingray, having my leg bitten off by a shark and my house blown down by a hurricane, being raped and murdered by a serial killer, blown up by a terrorist, and dying of cancer from typing this with a laptop near my genitals.
All at the same time.
According to my calculations (which are so complex that if I even began to try to explain them to you, your head would explode), there is exactly a 0.0% chance of any of my readers dying from any or all of the above diseases/catastrophes. However, the chances are much greater of one of you dying from obesity, a drug-related gun shot wound, or, for those of you who have had sex and are here by mistake, AIDS.
So, in conclusion, I offer you some hurried and poorly-transitioned advice: put down the pork rolls, turn off the TV, and get some exercise, you fat bastard.
