If you’re not careful, you’ll catch it too<\/i><\/p>\n
The other day, I caught the flu. For those of you unsure, here’s a list of its symptoms:<\/p>\n
I told this to my girlfriend, who googled these symptoms and became immediately convinced that I had the West Nile Virus. Meanwhile, my parents, certain that it’s only possible to catch a flu during the Winter, did some research of their own and concluded that I had “prostatitis,” despite the fact that I only had one of the diseases’ five symptoms (and I quote: “flu-like symptoms”).<\/p>\n
At first I thought my family had just lost their minds, but as I was preparing to have them institutionalized, I happened to accidentally change the channel to a local news station. Within fifteen minutes, they had me convinced that I was going to die of SARS, West Nile, Ebola, Bird Flu, Mad Cow Disease, Smallpox, Anthrax, and E. Coli, after being stung by a swarm of African killer bees, stabbed through the heart by a stingray, having my leg bitten off by a shark and my house blown down by a hurricane, being raped and murdered by a serial killer, blown up by a terrorist, and dying of cancer from typing this with a laptop near my genitals.
All at the same time.<\/p>\n
According to my calculations (which are so complex that if I even began to try to explain them to you, your head would explode), there is exactly a 0.0% chance of any of my readers dying from any or all of the above diseases\/catastrophes. However, the chances are much greater of one of you dying from obesity, a drug-related gun shot wound, or, for those of you who have had sex and are here by mistake, AIDS.<\/p>\n
So, in conclusion, I offer you some hurried and poorly-transitioned advice: put down the pork rolls, turn off the TV, and get some exercise, you fat bastard.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
If you’re not careful, you’ll catch it too The other day, I caught the flu. For those of you unsure, here’s a list of its symptoms: flu-like symptoms I told this to my girlfriend, who googled these symptoms and became immediately convinced that I had the West Nile Virus. Meanwhile, my parents, certain that it’s […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[4,1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.blueraja.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/123"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.blueraja.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.blueraja.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.blueraja.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.blueraja.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=123"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/www.blueraja.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/123\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":249,"href":"https:\/\/www.blueraja.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/123\/revisions\/249"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.blueraja.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=123"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.blueraja.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=123"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.blueraja.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=123"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}